...when I took the blame.

This is a comprehensive listing of the awards I've won for my graphics/icons, which can be found at prism_perfect.

( ...maybe walking down the aisle. )

This is a comprehensive list of the nominations and awards for my fanfiction, which can be found at cold_fiction.

( ...always the bridesmaid, never the bride. )

Or however that song goes.

Is it wrong that I love the snow? Don't love driving in it (mildly like it because it ZOOMS at the windshield), but love to watch it come down. YAY.

Moving on, finally saw last week's Dollhouse, and of course LOVED IT. Joss Whedon is the king of crackery and really knows how to take the mind crack and make it seem so real. Also, LOVE LOVE LOVE that Victor/Sierra (Tony/Priya) was so interwoven into the episodes. I can't help but feel Joss is going to...well...pull a Joss and kill one of them off. He kinda teased that he would, tricking us into thinking one of them hadn't made it, but then they did. (Also, Tony stabbing Priya was totes an omage to BSG's Helo stabbing Athena.) (TAHMOH!) Some of it was predictable (Victor/Sierra sexy dream), some wasn't (it was PRIYA dreaming it), but as always I love it all. I can't help but hope that Joss really goes out with a bang instead of a whimper. There was no warning with Firefly, so whimper was all it COULD do, but we've got warning with Dollhouse, DO IT RIGHT, JOSS, DO IT RIGHT.

I hope everyone is having a nice holiday, whatever religion/traditions you may celebrate.

This season inevitably brings on thoughts of faith and God and though I've always made my stance against organized faith systems of any kind, I find myself embracing the odd religion/faith that I've developed over the years. In high school I felt certain that there had to be some faith system out there that would resonate for me. I tried buddhism, christianity, wiccan, and others, but nothing ever rang true for me. From that experience I learned that, at least to me, faith isn't something that spontaneously forms in people. It's something that is taught, and no one in my life every taught me. By extension, from faith comes trust, and I've never been able to trust easily.

I do have a faith of sorts, though. I'm struggling to not force it into a category as perpetuated by modern society, but it's there. It's not a faith in God, or god, or gods, because I can honestly say that for most of my life I've been oblivious to any higher power and remain uncertain as to if it exists today. Do I need to know there is something/someone guiding my actions in order to survive day to day life? No. If anything I think I believe in Darwinism and the theory of evolution and that everything is mostly left to chance and choice. We make our own destinies.

Still...one of my gifts this year was a medal of St. Agnes, of Rome. She's a Roman Catholic saint, and though some may find it hypocritical of me to wear such a thing and not be a person of that religion, let me explain.

My faith lies in people, not in the God they worship. I'm awed by the fact that there are people in this world who can believe so deeply in something that they cannot quanitify or hold that they give their lives for it. There are people throughout history who've made a leap of belief that I can't even begin to understand. I believe...that they believed. They are people that I can know, I could travel to see their remains and gravesites; they're real for me. I need something real to base my faith on, and saints somehow work for me. St. Agnes is one of my favorites, not the least because I can identify with her.

None of you likely wanted to read such a heavy post, but...it felt good to put down into words what I'm struggling to recognize about myself.

Those Christmas card things? That I should've sent out last week?

Will be sent tomorrow. Totes late, I know. *shrugs* I'm a procrastinater.

*wrapping presents* *wrapping thousands of presents*

Thanks to everyone who commented on my...verbose post yesterday. It hasn't gotten any worse or happened again, and since I'd been having breathing difficulty (coughing, hacking) for a few weeks I'm thinking maybe I just got my throat a little raw. My chest felt a little funny when I woke up again, but it seems to be fine now. If it happens again I will definitely be heading to the Doctor, though.

Anyways...I've discovered a new anime obsession! It's been a while since I've seen an anime that I love so I'm happy to have decided to try it! It's Fruits Baskets, it's all on Hulu, and it's oddly addictive. It kinda makes me LOL because it can be silly, and it can also be a wee bit inappropriate, which I love. So I'm watching it while I wrap all these presents that are NOT mine. Another thing I hate about Christmas? I get stuck wrapping everyone's presents!

Good thoughts, though? I'm working the entire week of Christmas except for the Eve, which means at least a full shift of overtime, YAY. Also, avoiding family, YAY.

So...I just coughed up some blood. Which is bad.

I'm ignoring that in favor of watching Fruits Basket on HULU. Which is good.

Poll #1499386 Holiday Card Question
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 7

Do you prefer real cards (snail mail) or e-cards during the winter holidays?

I'm asking because next year I'm thinking of doing e-cards instead of regular snail mail cards. I already do all my bills and everything online, and postage is going up so much and yadda yadda yadda...plus I can get more than one type of card and personalize them more and blah blah blah. I'm curious as to what you guys think, since you'll be the ones receiving them.

I went to my dark place last night, at work. I mean, my very dark place. For little to no reason at all.

I think it may be a combination of PMS!anger and holiday!depression.

I just...I honestly hate the holidays. I really do. And on top of that, two weeks before I start to bleed internally I always get intense mood swings. This one was particularly bad, I teared up at one point and I haven't cried in AGES. Like, it's been years since I let a situation/mood get to me like that. Last time it was this bad was December of '05 when I quit school, right around the time I started this LJ. This didn't last anywhere as long as my slumps then did; point of fact the mood has already gone away, but still. It was very jarring. I didn't want to take it out on anyone else so I literally spent like the entire shift, eight and half hours, being silent as much as possible. AND I STILL MANAGED TO TAKE IT OUT ON OTHER PEOPLE. *head/desk*

I've gotten like 95% of my Christmas shopping done, so yay for that! Most of that is already wrapped too. I have yet to start Grandma's wrapping, however.

I've grown very out-of-touch with LJ lately. Like, I'm not posting or commenting that much. I'm pretty much immersing myself in isolation. I think it's the holidays, they're not really my thing so when the big ones roll around I get all moody and sullen. I've been working hard on not letting myself take that feeling out on other people. This often results in me being silent, however, because I don't trust myself to not do it.

In another source of irritation, someone at work called me a brown-noser today. I think he meant it jokingly, otherwise why say it to my face, but there is a chance he meant it seriously. I can see where people would get that impression, I eat my lunch, when I take a break, with boss!people instead of with the team...but here's the thing...THE TEAM DOESN'T LIKE ME AND I DON'T LIKE THEM. I FIND THEM LAZY AND MORONIC AND GENERALLY APATHETIC ABOUT THEIR JOBS. I care about my job and take responsibility for it and am most comfortable with people who do the same...which turns out to be the boss people. (Note to f-list: There's two levels of boss people, team leads [assistant manager, I guess?] and ETL [bosses], and then STL [big boss].) (I mainly hang with the team leads, but they group with the ETLs on break so it's an association thing.)

Also, brown nosing implies a sucking up, which is something I definitely don't do. Hell, most breaks all they do is rag on each other, and since I'm there, me! (They find great amusement in the fact that I'm so small. I don't get it, but I'm used to it by now.) (I think it's cause they're all guys.) (Stupid boys.) When I eat with them it's less that they're my authoritative people and more like they're...I don't know, friends?

I don't know why I'm letting this bother me. The fact is I hang with the people I sit with because I LIKE them. They make me laugh and seem to like me too. Why would I torture myself by sitting with people I don't like? Why do I care that the people I don't like are judging me for the company I keep?

*nods resolutely* I don't. Nope, I don't.

(This is gonna fucking bother me. I will bottle it up, however.)

Thanks for the cookies, you know who you are. If only they were real...*pout*

Anyone who wants a card can find the post here, and I recommend hitting it soon as I've already bought the cards and they be going fast. I think I have five left? Maybe?

Started Christmas shopping and though money isn't ridiculously tight this year, I've been saving and thus am avoiding the credit card this year, I'm a little tweaked by the fact that because of an internet hiccup I'm $200 cheaper in my bank account. What kerfluffle you ask? I was paying off the credit card and somehow it registered as two payments. So my credit card is overflowing with money, but I want it back in my bank account. I called yesterday and it's supposed to go through sometime today but as of ten minutes ago it's not even pending yet. *Head/desk* If I have to call one more time...someone will DAH.

(I need new icons, y/y?)

ETA: I'm filling out the cards, right, and thought maybe I should let you all know...umm, I do personalized cards, with mini-messages in them...and depending on my mood they can be crack-y or sincere. Generally they end up crack-y. So...yeah, if they're weird it's because I think I'm being cute.

ETA(2): So I also redid my journal on the fly, just cause I was tired of what I had.

For some reason my dead fandoms are acting up today. I spent a chunk of the morning watching episode of "The Lost World" and just now watched the first five episodes of "In A Heartbeat". Stupid dead fandoms, LEAVE ME ALONE. YOU'RE DEAD. STAY DEAD. I DON'T WANT TO BE INVESTED IN YOU ANYMORE.

(BUT I CAN'T HELP IT, ROXTON IS SO RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND MARGUERITE IS SUCH A BITCH, I CAN'T RESIST THE UST.)

Oh, LOL. I totally spammed a couple of card posts. Some people direct linked me and then when f-list surfing I clicked on them again. So...sorry.

So, I've been debating going for the Black Friday thing at my store for several days, but impulsively decided this morning to just "do it" as the saying goes.

I got the first three seasons of Supernatural, and season two of Gossip Girl, all for $12.99 each. I am pleased. Very pleased. *runs away to watch*

(Yes, that is the only reason I went. TV SEASONS, PEOPLE. TV SEASONS.)

I've found myself recognizing a bit of a pattern in something, and I'm a little lost as to what to make of it.

Here's the sitch...

I burn out on people. Like when you listen to the same song over and over and eventually you can't stand it, I do it with people. I spend too much time around them and then I need a break. Most often I do this with Greg (from work, I've mentioned him intermittently). We hang out, then I need some weeks to myself, then we hang out again. This is not the pattern I recently realized, this is something I've known about for a long time.

The new pattern involves my boss Jason. The one I confided that many people at work think has a crush on me? (Okay, many people at work think we're sleeping together/in a sek-rit relationship/etc.)

It started when Greg and I made plans to go to the movies last Friday. No big, it's something we do every once and a while. I don't know how Jason found out, but I know he did because he began to act differently towards me. Like, less teasing, more flirting? I, of course, flirt back because I am a lush. (Also, he's kinda cute.) I just made the connection, though, that he does this EVERY TIME Greg and I start to hang out again. Also, sometimes when he sees Greg and I talking he makes a point of joining the conversation. (Have I mentioned that Greg is one of the people that used to think Jason and I were dating?) (And that I stopped speaking to him for a month because he didn't believe me when I told him it wasn't true?) *shrugs*

This isn't a problem or anything, I'm just noting something I realized this weekend. Nothing will come of it. I just find it amusing.

Grabbed this from marcal_92, because it immensely lightened and brightened my day. Also, it's made of laughter.

So, I'm all caught up on Grey's, basically. A few episodes behind, but I'm there.

I'm sorry, I know alot of you that watched it have harsh words for it these days but...

I still love it. Sure, they've made some iffy writing choices but they weren't THAT bad. Maybe they did jump the shark but I'll be damned if they didn't get back on track. I saw the Izzie/George relationship as more of a shark!jump than the Denny!ghost. (Jeffrey Dean Morgan in any incarnation is a win for me.) Also, I really like some of the newer characters. Owen, for one, rules my libido right now. Not only is he a redhead...he's broken. HE'S MOFOing BROKEN. I LOVE BROKEN MEN. Also SLOAN. SLOAN IS BROKEN TOO. I LOVE BROKEN MEN.

*shrugs* Hate me, but Grey's is not a guilty pleasure for me. It's just a pleasure. A soapy implausible pleasure.

ZOMGBBQ...WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME OF HOW HAWT THE ACTOR ON THE NEW SERIES '10 Things I Hate About You' is? NOT THE MOVIE, THE TV SHOW. THE GUY PLAYING PATRICK VERONA HAS A DEEP, DEEP VOICE AND IT IS TRES HAWT. HE'S ALL DARK AND BROODY AND I'M LIKE DAYAMN. SERIOUSLY. NEW FAVORITE SHOW EVAH.

(Also, totally just grabbed the first random short vid that demonstrated the awesome deepness of Ethan's voice.)