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My heart owns a doubt.

Whether 'tis in us to arise with day.

...she's bad.

Peep-Billie glows.



January 20th, 2020

Icon Awards

Peep-Billie glows.
This is a comprehensive listing of the awards I've won for my graphics/icons, which can be found at prism_perfect.

...maybe walking down the aisle.Collapse )

Fanfiction Awards

Peep-Billie glows.
This is a comprehensive list of the nominations and awards for my fanfiction, which can be found at cold_fiction.

...always the bridesmaid, never the bride.Collapse )

June 7th, 2015

So, a bit of news, I'm getting a new job.

As in already got.

I start in two weeks! It's at a different bank, and by all appearances, this should be good for me. I'll be make a little bit more money (a difference of about two or three grand a year) and working less hours/better hours. Forty a week, but no more working until seven, or on the weekends. It's also at a bigger bank, so if I want to move up in the company, it would be easier. If I wanted to move and go to a different place, it would be easier.

This should be a good thing...but I'm scared.

I know that I can do this job, it's very very similar to what I do at the bank I'm at now. It's actually going to be LESS responsibility, because I'm not going to have to do so much sales. No more high pressure from management to get this and get that, improve this and raise our ratios with that.

Yet...still scared.

What if I do bad? What if this is a mistake? What if they don't like me? I built the team I have now, but I'm walking into an already established team here. I'm going to have to build respect with them and confidence, something I already have with my team.

I'm starting brand new.

I know this is something I can do though. And what is like without a little risk? This could be really good for me.

(Still nervous.)

December 26th, 2013

I've got your fire...

I bought a car. It's a 2012 VW Beetle. I like it. It's the nicest thing I've ever owned. And someone has already scratched it. *head/desk* (I'm not angry, I'm sad. Why can't I have nice things too?)

Nana is healing, though it is stressful for everyone. She's having some problems with depression right now since she can't really do anything, and when people in my family get depressed we lash out. We come off as very angry and mean, and dealing with that is stressing me the frak out right now. She's not bad all the time, but there are times when I want to just walk away.

This has been a big year for me. New house, new car, new promotion; car accident, heart stint for Nana, work stress for me. It's been up and down, again and again. I've weathered it, but it's been hard. I'm hoping next year is more even.

I've already decided my new year resolution is going to be not to use my credit cards. I tend to get myself in trouble near the end of the year, so I want to avoid that this year by living strictly on my budget. (I know I might have to use them for emergencies but I'm resolved to have it ONLY be for emergencies.)

Has anyone else decided what their resolutions will be?

December 16th, 2013

This is pleasant. */sarcasm*

Peep-Billie glows.
Shopping for a car is a pain in the butt.

On the one hand, all the dealerships are eager to work with you.

On the other hand, that's because they're out to steal your moneys.

I found a 2010 Ford Focus I really liked...but it's five grand more than I wanted to pay. Then again, I'm getting financed anyway, so what does it matter?

Have I ever mentioned that I hate debt? I really do. I hate having this big weight hovering over my head. This accident was just bad timing all around, however. I have no choice. I have no savings (thanks, Dad!), no viable trade-in, nothing. So it's a loan or no car and we can't go without a second car. It's only been a week and I want to throttle my selfish jack-ass of a brother.


December 12th, 2013

No news is...bad news.

Peep-Billie glows.
My car is dead.Collapse )

This guy (no license, no insurance, no plates) made an illegal u-turn but didn't see us driving along side him so he slammed right into us. I was braking, he was not. Hit Nana's side of the car and she is hurt really bad. Nothing life threatening, but very painful. She has staples in her head and a broken arm. I've sprained my elbow and both my wrists, but for the most part I'm fine. Car is totaled, though, which sucks because I have no savings and no money right now for a new car.

(Long story short, my dad was arrested for a DWI a few months ago and I had to clean out my savings to put towards his bail. It was only $500, but it was all I had.)

It's going to be difficult to manage getting to work, but I'll make it work. I think once I do have a car of my own again, I'll get a second job to catch up on bills and build my savings back up.

In the meantime, Nana needs a lot of help. She broke her dominant arm so she can't do much of anything right now. She's in so much pain and so uncomfortable too. She's never broken a bone before like this so this is new for all of us. I'm trying to help as much as I can, but with my arms hurt I can't help lift her or move her like she needs. My family is helping as much as they can, but hopefully my arms heal quickly so I don't have to worry and try to get someone here for her.

She just doesn't understand that it's going to hurt. It's not going to go away. She's going to be hurting and uncomfortable while it heals but she doesn't understand. She wants me to take her back to the hospital so she can be on morphine but they're not going to keep giving it to her. She needs to start coping now. Bad enough they're giving her vicodin.

At the same time, I'm feeling guilty. I know the accident wasn't my fault, but this is something I can't fix and I hate that. I'm responsible for taking care of her and I can't do that right now. I can't do much of anything right now.

November 23rd, 2013


Peep-Billie glows.
Hello, all!

I know I really don't come here too often anymore, and if I do I just lurk about my friends' posts about personal lives. I get my fandom fix on tumblr, so I really just come here to catch up with you all.

And in the spirit...

Even if we don't talk, I adore you all. I read what's going on, and even if I don't comment, be assured I'm listening.

If you should need me...I'll be there.

October 13th, 2013

I'll be around...

Peep-Billie glows.
I'm not normally one for family gatherings in the best of circumstances and moods, but today was not only my Nana's (whom I live with) birthday, but also my other grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary.

I don't spend alot of time with my father's side of the family, and last time I saw them was a few week's ago for my Uncle Elmer's funeral (brain cancer) so maybe it was a touch of guilt but I decided to go. I took dessert too because I've been attempting to learn to cook lately, which basically consists of following the recips TO THE FRAKKING LETTER. Back on point, like as soon as I walk in, my Grandma (who has lost alot of weight since my Paw-Paw took this last turn for the worse) looks and goes "Oh, you decided to join the family?" Though not as mean as it sounds? Ha!

I've never really sought out that side of the family because my entire life I was never comfortable with them. Yes, this was partly my fault. I was raised in my mother's family, so when that term is used, that's who I think of. These are people that I share blood with but no actual history. There are no cute stories of bonding, no actual knowledge of who we are as people. I never clicked with them and they never understood me. I tolerated them when I was younger, and when I was older, I made the choice to not see them. The thing is, in hindsight, I didn't understand them either. I didn't make the effort to really know and love them because I felt certain they would reject me (and actually did a few times). I put the wall there and was glad when no one tried to scale it.

They're not bad people, for the most fault. All of them pushy and opinionated and with their own psychological problems, much like anyone. I can see some of them in me and it makes it easier for me to be around them now, though it's still not comfortable.

I don't think I ever told you that my grandmother on my father's side is deaf? She can talk because it happened later in life, but before recent years actually talking to her was difficult because she had to read your lips and I never could really talk to her because of it. I didn't know to make sure I was always facing her when we spoke. She has some hearing now because of an aid she recently had implanted and it makes things alot easier. She and I sat in the kitchen and talked a bit and she told me a story about her grandparents and it kind of struck me that I do love my grandparents. I don't know them and they don't know me, but there is a basic connection there. I came from these people. I have the loud brash anger the entire family is famous for, and I have my Grandma's quietness. I am an amalgram of all the facets of everyone that came before, put together in new and interesting ways.

She was telling me the story of how her grandparents came from the old country at the turn of the century when they were ten or eleven, and she never knew if the name on their papers was the true one. She suspected it wasn't because whenever she'd ask her grandparents about it, they wouldn't tell her and would just start talking to each other in German, which she didn't understand. My immediate thought was "Oh, crap, I'm descended from Nazis," but she actually thought it was the opposite and that they were Jewish and escaped here. Though the timelines don't quite line up, since they'd come over from 1900-1905 sometime. Still...things I didn't know and makes me regret a little that I didn't make more of an effort to be around them. If not my aunts and uncles and numerous cousins (because that's really who I barely tolerate), but at least maybe my grandparents.

It was one of those things where I kind've got lost in the shuffle, though. They had dozens of grandchildren and...I was one of many. Another face in the crowd, LOL.

September 20th, 2013

(no subject)

Doctor Who-colors of the rainbow.
I'm kind of throwing my work balls into the air and waiting to see where they fall. I'm fed up with my incompetent manager, don't like the direction our company is taking us, and though I'm afraid of moving somewhere else...I'm willing to take the risk. Putting out some applications and seeing if I get any bites. Won't truly go aggressive until I feel like I have to escape ASAP.

Loving my shows, lately, though I'm unsure how I feel about Vampire Diaries and The Originals. Should I watch?

I've had a lot of recommendations for me to watch Arrow. My only real objection is Katie Cassidy. I'm sure she's a lovely person (I'm just saying this so I don't seem hateful), but I do not think she is talented. Every role I've ever seen her in (from Gossip Girl to Supernatural to movies) has been grating for me. What say ye?

August 17th, 2013

My body is not ready.

Doctor Who-colors of the rainbow.
I'm rewatching Torchwood, since I received the first and second series for my birthday...

...but I'm pretty sure I'm not emotionally prepared for series three. It kind of kills me.

August 13th, 2013

I don't know why, but Teen Wolf has gotten my muses moving again. I'm one chapter down on what I'm thinking will be a multi-chapter fanfic. It's kind of nice to have that yen again.

July 21st, 2013

I can't be nobody.

Doctor Who-colors of the rainbow.
I'm thinking back and trying to find that tangible point where I went from child to adult. There was a switch somewhere, not just in my brain but in everyone around me, where the transition happened. I don't understand how everything came to be under my control.

I had to make a difficult choice this week, and though it wracked me with guilt, I still feel it was the right one. It's best for my grandmother and myself and my house, so I had to do it, but it doesn't stop me from projecting what I would feel in that situation.

Basically, my older brother (not my oldest brother who's lived with us for years), came to be living with us a few months ago. He had no job, his wife had kicked him out, he was in some legal trouble, and he had nowhere to go. I guess we wanted to help him get back on his feet. It never happened though. He was able to get a job for about a month, but then he was "laid off" last week. Supposedly, and I use that term loosely, he was actually fired for smoking K12 on the job. I believe it just on the principle that he's been terminated for that before. He's never been able to keep a job for longer than a few months, and truthfully he's almost thirty and has most likely spent 80% of his adult life unemployed. If it was only that, I might not have made him leave, but it wasn't just that. He's disrespectful, destructive, and lazy. All he does is need, need, need. On top of that, his problems with maurijuana and K12 are intolerable to me. Yes, there are people who can use it and not have problems, but there are also people who can't. (I feel the same way about alcohol and cigarettes, but I do respect that it's everyone's choice.)

On top of that, he makes my Nana uncomfortable. He's so fidget-y and restless and he doesn't do as she asks. He's stolen from her before and she suspected he'd been in her purse a few weeks ago when twenty dollars went missing.

I told him he had to go.

I spoke with Nana and she put it on me. My house, my decision.

Which, of course, was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to tell me what to do, not make it my decision. If it was my decision, then his fate afterward would ultimately fall to me. I put him out, he falls into hard drugs and gets in trouble? I put him out, he kills himself? I put him out and he disappears? If anything bad happens, then is it my fault?

Despite intellectually knowing that it's not true, I still felt like it was.

Ultimately I did it, though. I told him he had to go. I resolved myself and by morning most of the guilt was gone. I do love him, I don't like him, and I hate having him in my house. I want him to get better, but after over a decade of trying to help him get that way, we're tired of fighting a losing battle.

June 20th, 2013

Rolling like a stone...

There have been a lot of big changes in my life lately, some you know of, some you don't.

I own my own house.

I was promoted and now I'm assistant manager at the bank.

My grandfather is dying.

There is a sense of upheaval and change in my life right now. I'm trying very hard to be a good person, to have patience and empathy with everyone around me but it doesn't come naturally. I'm not sympathetic to other people, for the most part I think they bring their problems onto themselves, but I'm doing my best to keep my opinions to myself from now on. Since I'm pretty much a loud mouth it's kind of hard.

There are other things going on, people bringing drama around, but I won't go into specifics.

The main thing that I'm keeping in my mind these days...I will be better. Not necessarily more 'normal', but I will get myself into a healthy place mentally and physically.

April 19th, 2013

Broadchurch is killing me. I'm pretty sure this is my favorite show of 2013. Yes, already!

British dramas are just...I don't know, I feel like British dramas are just better written and made than American ones. Don't get me wrong, there are some fantastic American dramas out there, but I almost feel like most of them have a satirical edge to them. The drama on them frequently gets to the point where it's unbelievable.

I give this opinion knowing that it's likely to change the next time I watch a really good episode of Justified or Sons of Anarchy or Hell on Wheels.

April 3rd, 2013

Quick and Bitter

LotS-Hide your tears (they'll never unde
The end was quick and bitter.
Slow and sweet was the time between us,
slow and sweet were the nights
when my hands did not touch one another in despair but in the love
of your body which came
between them.

And when I entered into you
it seemed then that great happiness
could be measured with precision
of sharp pain. Quick and bitter.

Slow and sweet were the nights.
Now is bitter and grinding as sand—
"Let's be sensible" and similiar curses.

And as we stray further from love
we multiply the words,
words and sentences so long and orderly.
Had we remained together
we could have become a silence.

-Yehuda Amichai
I'm watching Broadchurch, simply because it has David Tennant (and his Scottish accent).

And it is devastating me.

(Real life remains...too real. Almost smacked my assistant manage two days ago, signed offer papers for my house and now just waiting for mortgage to come through, Nana went to the hospital a few weeks ago and had to have another stint put in but she's home and recovering now...this has been a stressful year so far. Hopefully the rest of the year is less so.)

March 18th, 2013


Peep-Troian in red.
Going to apply for a mortgage in the morning.

Oooohhh, boy.

March 7th, 2013


Just got back from two-day work trip to Kansas City, and came home to the news that my coworker is going to bed rest for the last month of her pregnancy. Going to be seeing overtime for the foreseeable future. Good for paycheck. Bad for sanity.

And how was your day?

February 18th, 2013


Spirited-...it's just a little touch.
A couple of things...

Remember the friend that I had that I finished with around this time last year? Specifically, this one? Well, she gave me a call last week and we had lunch. She apologized for taking our friendship for granted and causing us to drift apart and we hung out during the day, talking and catching up. She wants to be friends again...and I'm not sure I can do that. I am not a forgiving person, it is not in my nature. On the other hand, I have people telling me that I should be the better person and give her a second chance, but I don't feel like I can trust her. She's always been a drama queen and do I really want to invite that back into my life? Right now things are tentative. We spoke in text a couple time, cautious promise to hang out again in the future, but I really don't want to go much further than that. I want to be the good person who does the good thing, but that is not me.

Also, the house situation remains a pain in my ass. I guess I am going to try and get a mortgage to buy our house. If not our house, then A house somewhere. It's very difficult to find a house for rent right now, especially in the neighborhoods Nana likes and for the price we want. I just really feel like this is going to be a huge hassle. Buying a house comes with alot more problems. Insurance, repairs, property taxes, ARG!

And how have you been, LJ?

January 29th, 2013

Am I the only one on my f-list who watches Bunheads? I find it incredibly cute and entertaining. (And it's gotten alot better as time went on.)

January 23rd, 2013

A girl...

Peep-Billie howls.
A stranger has come
To share my room in the house not right in the head,
A girl mad as birds

Bolting the night of the door with her arm her plume.
Strait in the mazed bed
She deludes the heaven-proof house with entering clouds

Yet she deludes with walking the nightmarish room,
At large as the dead,
Or rides the imagined oceans of the male wards.

She has come possessed
Who admits the delusive light through the bouncing wall,
Possessed by the skies

She sleeps in the narrow trough yet she walks the dust
Yet raves at her will
On the madhouse boards worn thin by my walking tears.

And taken by light in her arms at long and dear last
I may without fail
Suffer the first vision that set fire to the stars.

-Dylan Thomas, Love In The Asylum

(I identify a wee bit too heavily with the girl in this poem.)

January 18th, 2013


Peep-Billie howls.
I'm dealing with a lot of real life stress right now as I scramble to figure out what to do about where we're living right now. The mortgage company finally got around to auctioning it off and I'm trying to make arrangements to get to a month-to-month lease option, but I'm dealing with my grandmother's dramatics at the same time. I do exactly the thing she wants to do...but somehow it's not what she wants. *head/desk* The thing that irks me so much is if we'd looked for a new place and moved back in the summer when I wanted to we would've avoided this entire mess. Instead, she held out for some sort of pipe dream that she didn't prepare for and couldn't accomplish with our means right now. It's ridiculous and she somehow blames me for the crap I didn't start. Sometimes I want to just wipe my hands of it and let someone else make the decisions (which I can't).

The only thing I keep wanting to do? Say "I told you so". I knew this shitstorm was going to happen but no one wanted to do anything about it. Instead they just wanted to amble along and pretend everything was going to work out.

Now I'm forced to try to make it work when it very much is not going to.

January 8th, 2013

New Justified tonight!

Peep-Troian in red.
I am so amped for new Justified tonight. I have been missing Boyd and Raylan (and Ava) desperately.

I also made some pretties for Tumblr (Game of Thrones, Vampire Diaries, Teen Wolf, and Inception)...Collapse )

I went and visited with one of my friends from high school yesterday. Hadn't seen her in over five years! It was nice. It was a little like it hadn't been that long, just picking back up again, but it's still different. Different stories to tell now, new places in our lives. She was always the easiest person to talk to, though, it's one of the reasons why everyone gravitated to her back then. She has two little girls now, but other than that she's very much the same person too. It was a bit alarming for me to find that I felt like...maybe I was a bit better than her? Like...she's never had a job. She lives off of the child support she gets and government aid. She's still the sweetest girl, but I've never had government aid or anything like that. She did some online schooling, but she's never put the degree to use. It isn't in me to judge others, however, so as soon as I realized that even subconsciously I was doing it, I shut it down. There are just as many negative things going on in my life, even if it's different, same spirit. I think it was partly being around someone from high school. Back then I was all about what others thought of me and what I thought of them. I'm not that person anymore, but for a brief while...old/bad habits.

January 6th, 2013

Happy New Year!

RE: Alice and the ground beneath her fee
...since I haven't posted yet this year. *waves*

I can't believe it's 2013. Like...I was thinking about it and thinking about it and comparing it to all the "big things" that have happened in my life and I'm just like...really? It's been that long?! It doesn't feel that way! It's been 13 years since Y2k (which I slept, through, btw. I was 12 and did not get what all the fuss was about); it's been 8 years since I graduated from high school (and I have very little to show for it, but I don't even care. I'm surviving, I'M LIVING DAY TO DAY, PEOPLE). In terms of how I'm living my life it's much the same. I live with my Nana still, working full-time still (though in a different job), still single, no kids, and pretty darn happy about that. My mindset though is completely different. I'm universes away from where I was back then. Both times I was surrounded by people I considered friends, but I wasn't being myself. I was acting the ways I felt I should act, not just by mimicking the people around me but by using the entertainment culture as my standard for what was "normal". That's not to say it was bad. My friends in high school were amazing people, all of them unique and weird and fantastic. Maybe that's how everyone finds their friends, maybe it was because I went to an art school, I don't know. Even then, being weird and outlandish, I wasn't being myself. It took me years out of school, all those friendships faded away, and making my way by myself that I found my footing. It took me being alone to realize that I've always catered to the people around me. It was always about giving and changing to be what others would want around. The music they liked, I liked. The movies they saw, I wanted to see too. The clothes they wore, I wore. Finding my own identity didn't happen until I was in my twenties and didn't have any friends. (Though, that being said, most of you here were with me during that time, but I'm not a terribly extroverted person, even with blogging.) I accept myself for who I am now, and I don't chase after people anymore. I won't change what I believe or like to suit those around me. It kind of feels like I'm only just now becoming an adult and growing up.

*deep breath*

I'm feeling a wee bit introspective right now.

December 19th, 2012

The Labyrinth, Edwin Muir

Peep-Billie on the side
Since I emerged that day from the labyrinth
Dazed with the tall and echoing passages,
The swift recoils, so many I almost feared
I’d meet myself returning at some smooth corner,
Myself or my ghost, for all there was unreal
After the straw ceased rustling and the bull
Lay dead upon the straw and I remained,
Blood-splashed, if dead or alive I could not tell
In the twilight nothingness (I might have been
A spirit seeking his body through the roads
Of intricate Hades) – ever since I came out
To the world, the still fields swift with flowers, the trees
All bright with blossom, the little green hills, the sea,
The sky and all in movement under it,
Shepherds and flocks and birds and the young and old,
(I stared in wonder at the young and the old,
For in the maze time had not been with me
I had strayed, it seemed, past sun and season and change,
Past rest and motion, for I could not tell
At last if I moved or stayed; the maze itself
Revolved around me on its hidden axis
And swept me smoothly to its enemy,
The lovely world) – since I came out that day,
There have been times when I have heard my footsteps
Still echoing in the maze, and all the roads
That run through the noisy world, deceiving streets
That meet and part and meet, and rooms that open
Into each other – and never a final room
Stairways and corridors and antechambers
That vacantly wait for some great audience,
That smooth sea-tracks that open and close again,
Tracks undiscoverable, undecipherable,
Paths on the earth and tunnels underground
And bird-tracks in the air – all seemed apart
Of the great labyrinth. And then I’d stumble
In sudden blindness, hasten, almost run,
As if the maze itself were after me.
And soon must catch me up. But taking thought,
I’d tell to myself, ʻYou need not hurry. This
Is the firm good earth. All roads lie free before you’.
But my bad spirit would sneer, ʻNo, do not hurry.
No need to hurry. Haste and delay are equal
In this one world, for there’s no exit, none,
No place to come to, and you’ll end where you are,
Deep in the centre of the endless maze’.

I could not live if this were not illusion.
It is a world, perhaps; but there’s another.
For once in a dream or trance I saw the gods
Each sitting on the top of his mountain-isle,
While down below the little ships sailed by,
Toy multitudes swarmed in the harbours, shepherds drove
Their tiny flocks to the pastures, marriage feasts
Went on below, small birthdays and holidays,
Ploughing and harvesting and life and death,
And all permissible, all acceptable,
Clear and secure as in a limpid dream.
But they, the gods, as large and bright as clouds,
Conversed across the sounds in tranquil voices
High in the sky above the untroubled sea,
And their eternal dialogue was peace
Where all these things were woven, and this our life
Was a chord deep in that dialogue,
As easy utterance of harmonious words,
Spontaneous syllables bodying forth a world.
That was the real world; I have touched it once,
And now shall know it always. But the lie,
The maze, the wild-wood waste of falsehood, roads
That run and run and never reach an end,
Embowered in error – I’d be prisoned there
But that my soul has bird wings to fly free.

Oh these deceits are strong almost as life.
Last night I dreamt I was in the labyrinth,
And woke far on. I did not know the place.
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